How to Support Someone Going Through Breast Cancer: Tips from Survivors
When someone you love gets diagnosed with breast cancer, you want to help. But you might not know what to say or do. The good news is that you do not need to have all the answers. Simply being there and showing you care can make a huge difference.
We talked to breast cancer survivors about what helped them most during treatment. Their advice can help you be the best friend, family member, or supporter you can be.
Treat Them Like the Same Person They Have Always Been
One of the most important things you can do is continue to treat your loved one the way you always have. They are still the same person. They just happen to be dealing with something difficult right now.
“Treat them like you normally would treat them,” says LJ from Florida. “I wouldn’t treat that person with kid gloves. It’s still the same person! The best support is like, hey, you want to go for a walk? Let’s just go for a walk, like we normally would do.”
DPR from Kansas agrees: “I’m stronger than people realize. You don’t need to shield me from your bad news. I’m still me. I just happen to have a little cancer hitchhiker tagging along for now.”
Listen More Than You Talk
Your loved one is going through something scary and overwhelming. They may need to talk about their fears, or they may want to talk about anything except cancer. Either way, follow their lead.
As DPR puts it: “Support means listening, respecting boundaries, and letting me lead the conversation about my health. It means treating me like the capable person I’ve always been, not like a fragile version of myself.”
LJ puts it this way: “Can we just talk about anything else? Can we talk about the weather? Can we talk about your garden?” Sometimes a friend and an acquaintance can provide a little bit of escape from all the medical stuff happening behind closed doors.
Make Specific Offers to Help
When someone is dealing with cancer, the question “What can I do?” can actually feel like a burden. They may not have the energy to think of tasks to assign you. Instead, make specific offers.
AF from Massachusetts explains: “Don’t ask what can I do. Instead say, ‘I’m going to the grocery store, what can I get you?’ or ‘I have a free afternoon on Thursday, do you have any errands I can run for you or are you up for a cup of coffee?'”
LJ found that even simple offers made a big difference during her recovery: “I told people, if you are going to Target, I just want to ride along. Just to get out of the house.” People want to help, but they do not always know what you need unless you tell them.
Be There for Appointments
Cancer treatment comes with a lot of doctor visits. Your loved one will hear a ton of information, and it can be hard to remember everything when you are scared or overwhelmed.
“I strongly recommend having someone with you when you receive biopsy results or attend key appointments,” says DPR. “Your mind will be spinning, and it’s hard to absorb everything the doctor says. Having my husband there to listen and support me made a huge difference.”
You can help by taking notes during appointments, asking follow up questions, and helping your loved one remember what was discussed. Some families even record appointments so they can review the information later.
Stay in Touch with Simple Messages
Regular check ins mean a lot. You do not have to write long messages or have deep conversations every time. A quick text saying “Thinking of you” can brighten someone’s whole day.
“To those who send ‘thinking of you’ texts on chemo days, thank you,” says DPR. “They really do help. Sitting in that chair, hooked up to a pump all day, those messages are a bright spot.”
AF shares that one of the most meaningful things during her treatment was a friend who sent her a card every single week for 52 weeks. “That was extraordinary,” she says. Notes, texts, and jokes can all help your loved one feel remembered and supported.
Bring Practical Gifts and Think About Timing
Food is always helpful, but think about timing. Right after a diagnosis or surgery, everyone wants to help at once. But your loved one may not be able to eat much at first. Another consideration is that many people have food sensitivities while going through chemotherapy. Certain smells can cause nausea and the taste of metal can be overwhelming.
LJ shares a practical tip: “If you bring meals, maybe something that can be frozen rather than pasta and meatballs that you can’t really freeze. Make enough for one night, and then make a whole thing to freeze. So that they can have that in a week when everyone’s forgotten about them.”
She also suggests thinking beyond food: “TV gets boring. There’s only so much TV people can watch during the course of the day. People that brought me word search puzzles, even adult coloring books, that was something different.” Books, puzzles, and other activities can help pass the time during recovery.
Avoid Sharing Sad Stories or Using the Word “Lucky”
When people hear about a cancer diagnosis, they often want to relate by sharing their own experiences with cancer. But this is usually not helpful.
“I didn’t need to hear about Aunt Mildred dying of breast cancer,” says LJ. “People are sharing those stories out of concern and empathy, but I’m like, can we just talk about anything else? Those well-intentioned stories, especially the tragic ones, just made me depressed. And guilty.”
She also points out something important about language: “Cancer and lucky should never be used in the same sentence. I chose to get a mammogram. They detected breast cancer early. That increased my chances of survival. But calling someone with cancer ‘lucky’ just doesn’t feel right.”
Avoid Forced Positivity and Unsolicited Advice
“Avoid forced positivity like ‘you’ll be great,’ ‘you just have to stay positive,’ or comments that frame treatment as something to simply get through, like ‘aren’t you glad you only have a few weeks left?’” says AF. “Instead of trying to reframe the experience, try acknowledging it. Simple statements like, “This is still a lot,” “You’re still in it” or “I’m here for whatever you are feeling” will be a lot more supportive.
Well-intentioned comments that frame treatment as “over” can feel jarring when someone is still dealing with ongoing therapies, side effects, or the emotional fallout of cancer.
Also avoid giving unsolicited advice about treatments, diets, or alternative therapies. “Hearing stories like ‘my friend had breast cancer and did a certain treatment, maybe you should ask your doctor about that’ isn’t helpful,” explains DPR. “Every case is different. Trust that your loved one and their doctors are making the best decisions for their situation.”
Acknowledge What They Are Going Through
While you do not want to make every conversation about cancer, you also should not pretend it is not happening. Finding a balance is important.
“Don’t pretend the cancer is not happening,” says AF. “It was a big part of my life and you can’t address me as a whole person without acknowledging it.”
Instead of just asking “How are you?” try more specific questions. LJ suggests: “Instead of ‘how are you,’ I would say something like, ‘It’s so good to see you out.’ Or ask about forward looking things. Then it’s like the worst is hopefully behind them.”
Remember the Whole Family
Cancer affects everyone in the household, not just the person with the diagnosis. Spouses, children, and caregivers are all going through a hard time too.
“Don’t forget who else is under that roof,” says LJ. “I so loved it when they brought things to the boys, and they brought something to my husband, a bottle of bourbon or whatever. Yes, I’m the one that’s gone through it, but truly, I’m just lying in a chair. It’s everyone around me that has to shift their schedule.”
She adds: “The people who thought about the boys, and offered to take them places, or they would bring us chicken and a salad and bring the boys a Domino’s pizza. Going that tiny extra mile doesn’t cost a lot, but it was really thoughtful. At least they felt included in all of this.”
Respect Their Privacy and Choices
A cancer diagnosis is deeply personal. Let your loved one decide when and how to share their news with others.
DPR shared her frustration when her mother told others about her diagnosis before she was ready: “I needed a few days to breathe, to wrap my head around what was happening. It’s not a secret, but it is my story to tell. I would’ve preferred to share it in my own way, on my own timeline.”
Also respect their choices about things like appearance. Some people wear wigs during treatment, and others do not. DPR shares that people pushing her to get a wig was her biggest pet peeve. “The choice to lose my hair wasn’t mine, but how I handle it is,” she says. Let your loved one make their own decisions without judgment.
Remember That Every Journey Is Different
Breast cancer is not one size fits all. There are different types, stages, and treatment plans. What worked for one person may not work for another.
“Just because someone had three rounds of treatment and was declared cancer free doesn’t mean the next person will follow that same path,” explains DPR. “Treatment plans are highly individualized.”
LJ adds an important reminder: “It’s not a death sentence. People will look at you like you’re dying. But technology keeps getting better. Treatments keep getting better. Try to stay realistic about it.”
Support Continues After Treatment Ends
When active treatment ends, your loved one may still need support. Some people feel anxious about not seeing their doctors as often. Others worry about the cancer coming back. The emotional journey continues long after the last treatment.
AF says she is always grateful when people ask how she is doing, even after treatment. “I also love helping people who are going through the journey because I want to pay back for all of the great advice I got,” she shares.
LJ encourages survivors to pay it forward: “If you can pay it forward and be on those lists to help newly diagnosed patients, do that. To at least volunteer that if someone with your profile is going through this, you can be a resource to them. So important.”
You do not need to be perfect to support someone with breast cancer. You just need to show up, listen, and let them know you care. Small gestures can make a big difference.
And as LJ reminds us: “You really don’t understand unless you’ve been through it. But you understand me, and you know what I like. That’s how you can show your understanding.”
Your presence and care matter more than having all the right words. Be patient with yourself and with your loved one as you navigate this journey together.